The first time I was exposed to the idea of leadership coaching I had just started my career in Human Resources. I was working at a large tech company where a group of us got to attend a coaching fundamentals training. I was intrigued, and remember thinking that one day when I had time to dedicate to learning a new craft, it would be coaching. Before becoming a coach, I was lucky to experience coaching myself – as the client, or what we call the coachee. Those coaching sessions taught me something new and led to positive change.
Recognize When I Am Burnt Out
The first time I worked with a coach, I found him online and needed only one session. Coaching is often a series of conversations, but one-time spot coaching can be effective in certain situations. I had contacted him because several years into my first real job, I was working so many hours it became a standing joke with my family. The joke, though true, was that wherever I was on Friday night – in a movie theater, at the symphony, or opera – I would fall asleep. I was worn out. In spite of two little ones, a long commute, and exhausting hours, I knew I was lucky to have a stable job with good pay and benefits.
The job no longer energized me.
Certain aspects of the work culture had begun to grate on me. It was not just the “any 80 hours” approach to flex-time that bothered me, but the constant competition between employees for the highest bonus or biggest stock grant. The fact people were recognized for individual vs. team contributions drove self-serving behavior. The pressure on employees was immense, and as an HR partner, I felt that first hand. Leaving a reliable job was a big decision, especially when I knew that it looked from the outside like I had it all. I felt a desire to move on, but I wasn’t ready to trust my instincts. After all, what if I made the wrong decision?
My coach held up a mirror.
The coach listened as I shared my frustrations, hopes, and misgivings. Then he did what’s called holding up the mirror. That is, he repeated back what he heard me saying. What he heard was that I was burnt out. That maybe I had given all I could to this particular organization and needed a different environment to thrive. He described how I sounded energized only when I talked about moving on. I knew he was right, and before too long I found something new and put in my notice.
Stop Blaming Myself
The second time I experienced coaching was during a women’s leadership program at the Center for Creative Leadership. Pre-work included several self-assessments which participants learned to interpret and debrief while we were together on site. Assessments were combined with a variety of scenarios, skill-building, role-playing, and a bit of coaching to help internalize what we were learning. The assessments definitely increased my self-awareness, but in coaching I wanted to talk about a relationship I’d been struggling with.
The new job was not what I expected.
I had chosen my next job carefully; not just the position, but the company. I vetted the culture thoroughly, not just during interviews but also by talking to current and former employees. Between the time I accepted the offer and my start date, my manager had relocated, accepting an international assignment. Organizational change was nothing new to me so I was ready to go with the flow. While my new boss was wonderful, her VP (my skip level) and I did not see eye to eye. He criticized my work, labeled me as aggressive (based on the reputation of my former employer), and micromanaged my work. I felt dismayed that I hadn’t seen this coming. After all, I had tried so hard to land in a good place.
My coach reminded me I had done my best.
This is what I wanted to discuss with my coach – how this executive was impacting my job, and what to do about it. The coach listened kindly as I blamed myself, then told me to let myself off the hook. As we talked she confirmed that I had done all I could to research the company I joined. She reminded me that you can’t know everything there is to know when you start a job – some things are outside of our control. Only once I was convinced that I truly had done my best, I began to think seriously about next steps.
I’ve received plenty of coaching since then, however, these two stories have stuck with me for more than a decade because they were so powerful. Both times, I found myself in difficult situations where my instincts were telling me I was ready to make a change. Yet I wanted some additional validation and support because these were big decisions, and the stakes were high. I worked with skilled coaches who helped me listen to myself, trust my instincts, and overcome assumptions that might otherwise have prevented me from moving forward.
Learn more about Reverb’s approach to coaching here
