More and more, leaders are hiring executive coaches, also known as business coaches. The combination of the pandemic, America’s racial reckoning, and rise in political divisiveness are rapidly changing the role of leaders and managers. Leaders at all levels are quickly working to increase empathy, support employees’ mental health, and guide people through situations ranging from parenting during a pandemic to indefinite remote work. While training can help, many companies also turn to executive coaching for highly customized development.
Benefits of Hiring an Executive Coach
A coach can help you change long standing beliefs and behaviors. Executive coaches are objective, maintain confidentiality, follow a code of conduct, and are trained to help you set goals and measure progress. Coaching goals are often rooted in changing how you’re seen by others, improving one’s ability to influence without authority, and the desire to build better working relationships that are free of conflict.
Change begins by first examining your own behavior. Not sure where to start? Try these three thought provoking ideas that I’ve used in any number of coaching engagements.
Every Relationship is Co-created.
When my boss yelled at me, I literally stood up for myself and that changed everything.
I had a boss who was a yeller. I didn’t do anything to provoke his yelling, but we fell into a pattern – when he yelled, I listened. A common mistake in relationships is thinking that if you didn’t do anything wrong, then the other person should change. In fact, as all good coaches know, we can only change ourselves.
I quickly got tired of his yelling so I formed a simple plan with help from my own coach.The next time he yelled, I would stand up and politely excuse myself, telling him we could meet again once he was ready to have a calm and professional conversion.
When the time came, I stood up as planned. The moment I rose, he visibly calmed down. I broke the pattern by changing my behavior. This repeated itself: he raised his voice, I stood up, he calmed down – for the next couple months until I found a better job, and gave my notice.
Pro Tip: Think about a relationship you’d like to improve and ask yourself:
- What role am I playing in that relationship?
- What is one thing I can do differently to change the dynamics?
Confusion is a Form of Resistance.
When someone questions the obvious, sometimes they’re not seeking clarity but expressing resistance.
I once worked on a project with an executive sponsor, to help to improve retention on a team of engineers. Before jumping to solutions, I wanted to understand the root cause so I recommended an engagement survey. The sponsor replied to my proposal in email saying “About the engineering survey, I don’t know what you mean.” I was stumped because I didn’t know how to be more clear with my recommendation.
After a series of conversations he wrote me again saying “If we survey them, we will have to listen to their feedback and make changes.” Yes, I thought, you’ve hit the nail on the head. But I was also perplexed – how had an intelligent executive spent weeks thinking about this only to state the obvious?
When I was introduced to the phrase “confusion is a form of resistance” as described by Peter Block, I saw this situation clearly for the first time. It wasn’t that my sponsor didn’t understand the purpose of the survey, it was that he feared the feedback. Once we knew what the engineers wanted, he would have no choice but to react.
Pro Tip: Consider a situation where clear communication is resulting in confusion. Show curiosity by asking:
- If we agree to go down this path, what are your biggest concerns?
- How can I support you along the way?
What boundaries have / have not been set?
I was frustrated with a client for sending information late at night, but I had never told her when I needed it.
My coaching clients often send me notes on what they’ve worked on between sessions. As a coach I want to thoroughly review this information so I’m well prepared when we meet. When one client repeatedly sent me updates at 11PM and midnight before our 8AM sessions, I was frustrated. When I couldn’t get to them, I felt I was letting her down.
I told this story to a fellow coach who asked me “What boundaries have you set with her?” This was an aha moment for me. Because it seemed like common sense that I needed a certain amount of time during business hours to review an email, I assumed my clients would anticipate this.
But our colleagues are not psychic, and I had never expressly shared my expectations. Once I set clear boundaries, the problem was solved. She could share work in advance, and if she didn’t then she knew there was a chance I might not get to it. She was able to plan accordingly, and my feelings of guilt and frustration evaporated.
Pro Tip: Think about a situation that’s been causing you frustration and ask yourself:
- What line, or boundary, do I feel is being crossed?
- Now set a clear expectation and share it with the other person.
Our behaviors don’t change overnight, but you’ve taken the same first step of any coaching client which is to increase yourself-awareness. Now, you can watch for situations then ask yourself what your role is, how the other person might be feeling, and whether or not your expectations are clear. If you’re intrigued and want to learn more, you may find that you too would benefit from working with an executive coach.
